Well, last night I went through a wave of emotions. I guess you can call it a wave. It felt more like a tsunami. It's our day off today and when my two roommates left to go back to NYC, it was like the flood gates opened. I guess I needed to cry and have a moment of complete and utter freaking out. When you keep moving and working like I do, the moment you stop and are still, that is when everything you are running from comes to bite you in the ass. Well last night it bit me and hard. I needed the silence to actually feel what was happening inside me.
I had a huge realization about this whole house process last night. It didn't really dawn on me until after I cried and cried at various shows I watched in a row. Say Yes To the Dress, Erin Brockovich (don't ask), and Dateline NBC. The story was about a woman who had three kids, two of them have a severe kind of cerebral palsy which is incurable, and the mom has breast cancer. It's an unreal story and I just sobbed my face off. The town bands together and fixes their house. It was unreal. Such a story of strength. It didn't have anything to do with my situation but it helped me release emotions that's for sure. What I realized is that it's not just about the house and the stress of getting it. It's what the house symbolizes in my life.
I had my childhood home basically taken away from me due to my parents nasty divorce. I know this happens to people all the time. It was traumatic because well, it was traumatic. I guess I don't have to explain that part. It was our home. There is nothing like your home right? The place you spent every day at since you were five years old. The room you slept in and your bed. The posters on the walls. The sound of the stairs when you walked down them. Hearing your mom call you for dinner and watching Dan Rathers on the news while eating. Playing piano and opening all the windows to feel the breeze come in as you fill your house with the sounds of Chopin. The basement with the crazy jumping spiders. Washing down the deck furniture in the summer and watching it dry in minutes under the heat of the sun. My mom's amazing rotisserie chicken cooking on the spit in the grill and the baby birds in their nest on our porch light in the back. The memories, the smells, the feelings all still inside me as if it were yesterday. I'm old enough to understand and compartmentalize it all, but as they say, the feelings are still in the tissue of my being and in my soul. That never changes. The older I get the more I can handle it and nurture it, but it never fully goes away.
This house represents a new beginning. New memories. A chance to rebuild what was lost. Not in a mournful way. Not to bring back the past in an effort to make it right. To bring it back and unite it with the future. New memories and old memories together as one to heal the soul. I can't think of anything more beautiful than that. That is why I cried. I cried for the happiness. I cried for the pain. I cried for the fear and for the love of this house. It's not ever one thing. It's everything.
So, I dusted myself off today and have come to realize that I need to accept what ever happens from here on out in relation to the house. I can't say all the details of our process but I can say it has been incredibly hard. Harder than I ever thought buying a house would be. Vadim and I are also in two different states dealing with this all via email and phone. It is difficult to say the least not to have your better half here to hold and hug. So, I'm just staying calm and positive that everything will work out fine. I imagine the day they hand over the keys and we open the door to our house for the first time as homeowners. We close on July 19th and everyday is a step closer to it.
I remind myself how grateful I am to even be in a position to buy a home with our economy the way it is. I am truly living a blessed life. As crazy as it sounds when things get too overwhelming, sometimes I just get on my knees and pray. I don't believe in one kind of God. I do believe in prayer and the power of it. I believe in energy and what you put out in the world affecting the Universe. This I know to be true because I have see it in more ways than one. I get on my knees and ask for the strength to deal with all that is happening right now. It helps me to get back to basics and know that not everything is in my hands and control. It is time to let go and let God in a way that I understand.
I hope I didn't sound overly cheesy or sentimental. This blog is really kind of healing for me in a way. I never expected all this emotion to come up when going through this but it has and I am learning how to deal with it. Thanks for listening.